The college experience means something different to every person who decides that they want 4-8 more years of classes, papers, lectures, projects and nonsense. Ideally the student would be done in four years and move on to their life in a cubicle, but for some of us it didn't happen this way. Some of us got caught up in the social atmosphere, the pizza, the 3 hour lunches in the cafeteria with 10 friends as well as the late night parties and beer drinking. I was one of those guys, the guy who wanted the booze. I had quite a thirst from the ages 18-23 and it needed to be quenched. My grades lacked, my class attendence varied from good to bad and from bad to worse. I did score 100% on one thing though, I never missed a party. I am not writing this to tell you how great of idea this was or to brag, I am just writing this because I am an idiot. I let the social aspect of college get the best of me. I made a ton of life long friends during these 5 years and I never met a beer I didn't like. I have told my story before and I will tell you all just one more time and I will take this to my grave. In college I consumed over 25,000 beers. Laugh if you will, tell me I didn't and I will tell you I did. We can argue back and forth if you want, I know in my heart the number is probably closer to 30,000, but I don't want to jump ahead of myself.
Let me break the numbers down for you before you continue to tell me this didn't happen.
365 days in 1 year(DUH) x 5.5 years in college = 2,007 days / 25,000 beers = 12.45 Beers per day.
I do agree, 12.45 beers per day sounds like crazy talk(psssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh) you have to remember I was in my absolute prime. From years 3-5 I warmeed up with a 12er before going to happy hour. There were plenty of nights I was at 20 by 11am and 27 by bar close. It just wouldn't stop, I didn't want it to stop. There were nights when I was devastated and heartbroken that the bar time lights would come on(but that only lasted for about 1 minute because I knew it was Rosas time).
LOOK- believe what you want, but there will never be a day in my life when you will tell me that this didn't happen. Question it, think about it, talk to your friends about it, but I am taking this one 6 feet deep.
Dorm beers + house party beers + UR house beers + happy hour beers + $5 all you can drink at the Huddle, Mainstreet and Pub beers + more beers = 25,000 beers
Rack ME.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
Monday, July 30, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Girls Shoes
I understand being fashionable, putting on the leopard print, 9 inch peep toes, but I will never understand the point of spending a night on the town being completely uncomfortable. Amy Winters once told me "girls don't give a shit what men think about their outfits. They dress up to look better than other women". You know, I get this I really do. Women care about tons of things dudes don't give a shit about. Don't get me wrong, guys want to look nice, fashionable, but we are not about to twist an ankle for a pair of shoes. This is another reason why I would never trade being a guy for a girl. My wife has 98 pairs of shoes just like every other girl I know, they range from Nikes to comfortable to interesting to I might not want to wear these all night to I am just going to wear these and say F it, if they kill my feet then they kill my feet. It is funny to watch girls at weddings, they walk in feeling all good about their outfits and their shoes and one hour into dancing time every girl has exchanged her heels for a pair of flip flops or gone barefoot. What is the point, I say wear your Nikes to the wedding and really have fun, dance like a bastard and don't give a shit about what anyone is saying. Own those air maxes, tell people "bet you wish you had my shoes" while giving a sarcastic laugh. The truth of the matter is this will never happen, girls are a walking fashion show and have something to prove all the time.
The best part about shoes for a women is when you see them walking home the next morning carrying their shoes and wearing the dudes t-shirt that is eight times too big. That is when they realize that the shoes were all worth it.
I say girls do this....the next time you go to the bar put on a hoody, some jeans a pair of Nikes and enjoy your time with your friends. If you are looking to get a males attention I guarentee he will notice you wearing Air Max '95s before he notices you wearing your $100, uncomfortable heels from Aldo.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
The best part about shoes for a women is when you see them walking home the next morning carrying their shoes and wearing the dudes t-shirt that is eight times too big. That is when they realize that the shoes were all worth it.
I say girls do this....the next time you go to the bar put on a hoody, some jeans a pair of Nikes and enjoy your time with your friends. If you are looking to get a males attention I guarentee he will notice you wearing Air Max '95s before he notices you wearing your $100, uncomfortable heels from Aldo.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Country Music
Believe me when I say I want to like it, but I just can't. I dislike the twang, the fact that Scotty McCreery is relavant in country music actually makes me laugh. That dude is a no talent ass clown. Nothing brings down a fun party more than putting Kenny Chesney on the radio. I know I know everyone knows that I am a fan of hip hop. I will be the first to tell you that artists in hip hop have more talent than artists in country. You don't have to believe me, but it is true. Do yourself a favor sit in you cubicle and try to write a good rap and then try to write a country song. It will prove to you what I am trying to say. I know country music is hot right now, and although I own a George Straight cowboy hat it will never have me as a fan. JohnVarebrook missed my wedding reception to go to an Eric Church concert. That is another reason I hate country music. It makes your mind numb and makes people dress dumb(that was similar to a country music line). Are people going to be upset because of this blog....MAYBE, but it is my blog and I will say what I want. OPINION.
Country music fans take a few deep breathes and you will be ok.
PS- I have a terrible voice and when I mix in a little twang I sound amazing.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
Country music fans take a few deep breathes and you will be ok.
PS- I have a terrible voice and when I mix in a little twang I sound amazing.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Pet Peeves
There are some things that drive me absolutely nuts, like to the point where I just become annoyed that I am annoyed by it. I wish I was just one of those "go with the flow" type people or a hippie who sees everything as beautiful....even a piece of poop in the middle of the street. The fact is I am not, I get annoyed very easily and it drives me crazy. I want to look in the sky and say "that is gorgeous" when in reality I look at the sky and say "what the F am I looking at the sky for". What drives you nuts? Here is a list of my pet peeves.
1) When I step on the back of my pants....LISTEN....I know I can change this, I have tried the "cuff" the "roll" the "cut" and no matter what it seems like my pants stretch just enough to find their way right under the heel of my shoe. It PISSES me off soooooooooooooo BAD. My blood pressure goes up everytime I even feel it. I can't explain it, but I know some of you deal with this as well.
2) When the volume from tv shows to commercials differs......Nothing more annoying than the volume constantly going up and then going down for 3 straight hours of television viewing. Everyone in the world hates this. Why can't it be fixed? Why does this even happen. Someone Google that shit.
3) When the person in front of you in an airplane needs to recline....Hey dipshit I am 6'3 and squeezed into this seat like a sardine as it is. Oh wait...you are 5'4 and need that extra room? F YOU! This usually results in multiple knees to the seat so that small bastard can't sleep at all. This goes for anybody reading this.....don't be a dickhead and recline your seat on an airplane. The extra 4 inches is only going to piss the person off in back of you.
4) When people talk in movie theatres......I actually want to cause bodily harm to these people. I hate them. I look at it this way, if you talk one time during a movie anyone sitting around you should have the right to punch you in the face. STFU!
5) When I see dudes "saggin" their pants to the point they are holding them up......Just do yourself and everyone else a favor and kill yourself. I also want to know why you are always wearing basketball shorts under your jeans. You look like a criminal and you should get the shit beat out of you by your parents.
6) The fact that it takes Ryan Braun 30 seconds to get in the batters box after every pitch....I like you Ryan... you are good, you are good looking, but CHRIST get back in the damn box. Don't walk 20 feet down the 3rd base line, tighten up your batting gloves, take a few dumb swings, cough, stretch, dig in and go. WE ARE WAITING. Unless you are batting .310 then you can do whatever you want and I will continue to wait. So in actuality this was dumb. Sorry.
7) When it is a weekend and someone says "I am going to lay low this weekend".....Hey cool, that sounds like the worst idea ever. If you are in a money crunch you find a different way to save. If you are tired you get some 5 Hour Energy. Don't act like you actually want to "lay low". I will tell you what... my wife and I say on Monday and Tuesday "ohhh we can just chill this weekend", but by Friday afternopn we are talking about Happy Hour and what kind of food we have at home for when we get home from the bar. Don't waste weekends and "lay low", you will be laying in dirt when you are dead....drink while you still can.
8) When you are on the phone with your mother, about to hang up and she keeps saying "I think I had one more thing to ask you". ACTUALLY, I just want to hang up.
9) When you are on your cell phone and you keep losing reception. LOOK- I don't give a shit what "G" you have....43G, 4G 8G, 107G just give me some damn reception so I don't have to keep looking at my phone everytime I cut in and out. We are probably all going to die of terrible cancer from all cell phone towers, but SHIT just let me finish a 30 second phone call.
10) When the person in line in front of you at Subway doesn't know how the line works. Listen MF'er it goes like this BREAD, CHEESE, VEGGIES, SAUCES, CHIPS, SODA, PAY, GET YOUR CHANGE, LEAVE. My blood pressure doubles when that same person pulls out the list of 5 subs they need to order for the people back at work. Either understand the line or go make a sandwich at home. It isn't that tough. I don't want to hate you, but I do.
I think most people can relate with at least a few of these. As I get older I am trying to keep my anxiety and blood pressure down. I don't want to be mad at such ridiculous things, I just want to smile and hold the door open for senior citizens. Life is easy, try to keep it that way.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
1) When I step on the back of my pants....LISTEN....I know I can change this, I have tried the "cuff" the "roll" the "cut" and no matter what it seems like my pants stretch just enough to find their way right under the heel of my shoe. It PISSES me off soooooooooooooo BAD. My blood pressure goes up everytime I even feel it. I can't explain it, but I know some of you deal with this as well.
2) When the volume from tv shows to commercials differs......Nothing more annoying than the volume constantly going up and then going down for 3 straight hours of television viewing. Everyone in the world hates this. Why can't it be fixed? Why does this even happen. Someone Google that shit.
3) When the person in front of you in an airplane needs to recline....Hey dipshit I am 6'3 and squeezed into this seat like a sardine as it is. Oh wait...you are 5'4 and need that extra room? F YOU! This usually results in multiple knees to the seat so that small bastard can't sleep at all. This goes for anybody reading this.....don't be a dickhead and recline your seat on an airplane. The extra 4 inches is only going to piss the person off in back of you.
4) When people talk in movie theatres......I actually want to cause bodily harm to these people. I hate them. I look at it this way, if you talk one time during a movie anyone sitting around you should have the right to punch you in the face. STFU!
5) When I see dudes "saggin" their pants to the point they are holding them up......Just do yourself and everyone else a favor and kill yourself. I also want to know why you are always wearing basketball shorts under your jeans. You look like a criminal and you should get the shit beat out of you by your parents.
6) The fact that it takes Ryan Braun 30 seconds to get in the batters box after every pitch....I like you Ryan... you are good, you are good looking, but CHRIST get back in the damn box. Don't walk 20 feet down the 3rd base line, tighten up your batting gloves, take a few dumb swings, cough, stretch, dig in and go. WE ARE WAITING. Unless you are batting .310 then you can do whatever you want and I will continue to wait. So in actuality this was dumb. Sorry.
7) When it is a weekend and someone says "I am going to lay low this weekend".....Hey cool, that sounds like the worst idea ever. If you are in a money crunch you find a different way to save. If you are tired you get some 5 Hour Energy. Don't act like you actually want to "lay low". I will tell you what... my wife and I say on Monday and Tuesday "ohhh we can just chill this weekend", but by Friday afternopn we are talking about Happy Hour and what kind of food we have at home for when we get home from the bar. Don't waste weekends and "lay low", you will be laying in dirt when you are dead....drink while you still can.
8) When you are on the phone with your mother, about to hang up and she keeps saying "I think I had one more thing to ask you". ACTUALLY, I just want to hang up.
9) When you are on your cell phone and you keep losing reception. LOOK- I don't give a shit what "G" you have....43G, 4G 8G, 107G just give me some damn reception so I don't have to keep looking at my phone everytime I cut in and out. We are probably all going to die of terrible cancer from all cell phone towers, but SHIT just let me finish a 30 second phone call.
10) When the person in line in front of you at Subway doesn't know how the line works. Listen MF'er it goes like this BREAD, CHEESE, VEGGIES, SAUCES, CHIPS, SODA, PAY, GET YOUR CHANGE, LEAVE. My blood pressure doubles when that same person pulls out the list of 5 subs they need to order for the people back at work. Either understand the line or go make a sandwich at home. It isn't that tough. I don't want to hate you, but I do.
I think most people can relate with at least a few of these. As I get older I am trying to keep my anxiety and blood pressure down. I don't want to be mad at such ridiculous things, I just want to smile and hold the door open for senior citizens. Life is easy, try to keep it that way.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
5 People I Wish Would Pass Away Today
I find myself saying "God I wish that person was dead" quite often. People are beginning to make me sick, like if I see them one more time I may just slit my wrists, start myself on fire and then run out in front of a semi. I don't know exactly what it is whether it is their smirks, smiles, lifestyles, glitz, glam, hair, cloths or if I am just jealous. Celebrities curse normal people, we see things we think are great, but are they? Today I am prepared to share with you the 5 people that need to leave earth ASAP.
5) Mike "The Situation" - is there a bigger waste of a human on the planet? He has the IQ of a bumble bee, terrible hair, I f'n hate the way he wears his sunglasses, I hate that he tans, I loathe that girls like him. I will admit he was initially funny, but now I am 32 and I hope he gets a terrible case of aids. Not Magic Johnson aids, real aids. Before he gets aids I hope he has a real painful surgery. I don't even know what that means, but that's what I hope.
4) Tammi- Maybe you know Tammi, maybe you don't. She is the former MTV reality star from The Real World, NBA basketball player Kenny Andersons ex-wife and currently on the most annoying show in the world Basketball Wives. First of all I want you to know she is a loud, foul mouthed whore who needs to be washed away in flowing volcano lava. I can respect people who don't hold back, who stand up for what they believe in, but this bitch takes it to a whole new level. I can't really even explain in words how happy I would be to hear that she died. First of all she looks like a dude. I would have more sympathy if she was pretty, but she is not, I am fairly certain she has a penis and pectoral muscles. I can't believe people sit and watch this garbage on TV.....yelling, screaming, cussing....it looks like an episode of Jerry Springer on steroids. F'N terrible. Die Tammi Die, I am rooting for you to DIE. Is that mean? If you think that is mean tune in to the next airing of Basketball Wives on VH1 and then get back to me. I say things that you think.
3) Amber(from Teen Mom)- There is nothing I hate more than someone being famous for being a whore. Amber, listen to me, you are a nothing, a nobody, your mom and dad probably don't even love you. I saw the way you treated Gary. I saw the episode where you beat the shit out of him while he helplessly defended himself. I will tell you what, I dare you to hit me like that. I am 100% against hitting a women, BUT Amber.......I will beat the piss out of you. If I ever see you I am going to run directly at you tackle you and hurt you. As I do it I will be yelling "THIS IS FOR GARY, THIS IS FOR GARY". You think you can just get away with verbally and physically abusing someone. I am glad you are in and out of rehab. I hope you put so many drugs in your body that you just completely shut down. I hope at some point you put the needle in your arm for the last time. I hope you stop breathing my air very soon you pile of shit. Glad I got that out.
2) Kim Kardashian- Yes, I know you are pretty.....that being said you are a whore. I hate the way you talk, I hate your mom, I hate that little girls around the world look up to a lady who is famous for having sex with Ray-J on tape. Because of it you get to reap the benefits, you get free cloths, shoes, hair, make up from all the best designers. You make it hard for parents to show their children what real life is because your GD TV show is on E ever GD minute of the day. I want to start a petiton for the people of the world to boycott anything Kardashian(except Bruce). I can't wait for the day the I wake up and the top story on the news is that Bruce Jenner killed Kris, Scott killed Courtney, Khloe can stay because she is actually normal and I like Lamar........but nothing will make me happier than the day top stories on Yahoo News says "Kim Kardashian is dead, Humphries in custody". I am counting down the days. Make my dreams come true. Make this happen.
1) The Real Housewives of ANY city- I don't know any of your names except NeNe and that dude who wears high heels Dwight. My wife watches you religiously and I hope nothing but the worst for every single person on that show, the people involved with the show, writers, producers....WHATEVER. I want there to a Real Housewives reunion where all of you are in one grand ballroom at one time. Then like a bad horror movie I hope everyone starts gettting gutted. I know it is terrible, the way I am speaking is horrible, but I have never wanted anything so bad in my life. You all are an annoyance to the USA because people actually waste their own presious time to tune into the 1 hour screaming match weekly. Take your glamerous life that you actually hate and do everyone a favor......PASS AWAY ASAP.
I know this blog today is harsh, it was meant to be that way. Look at the five people I listed and try to tell me I am wrong for wishing they were covered in dirt. I apologize if I offended some of you, but this blog isn't going to be puppy dogs and Ice Cream all the time.
PS- I would like all of these peoples money though.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
5) Mike "The Situation" - is there a bigger waste of a human on the planet? He has the IQ of a bumble bee, terrible hair, I f'n hate the way he wears his sunglasses, I hate that he tans, I loathe that girls like him. I will admit he was initially funny, but now I am 32 and I hope he gets a terrible case of aids. Not Magic Johnson aids, real aids. Before he gets aids I hope he has a real painful surgery. I don't even know what that means, but that's what I hope.
4) Tammi- Maybe you know Tammi, maybe you don't. She is the former MTV reality star from The Real World, NBA basketball player Kenny Andersons ex-wife and currently on the most annoying show in the world Basketball Wives. First of all I want you to know she is a loud, foul mouthed whore who needs to be washed away in flowing volcano lava. I can respect people who don't hold back, who stand up for what they believe in, but this bitch takes it to a whole new level. I can't really even explain in words how happy I would be to hear that she died. First of all she looks like a dude. I would have more sympathy if she was pretty, but she is not, I am fairly certain she has a penis and pectoral muscles. I can't believe people sit and watch this garbage on TV.....yelling, screaming, cussing....it looks like an episode of Jerry Springer on steroids. F'N terrible. Die Tammi Die, I am rooting for you to DIE. Is that mean? If you think that is mean tune in to the next airing of Basketball Wives on VH1 and then get back to me. I say things that you think.
3) Amber(from Teen Mom)- There is nothing I hate more than someone being famous for being a whore. Amber, listen to me, you are a nothing, a nobody, your mom and dad probably don't even love you. I saw the way you treated Gary. I saw the episode where you beat the shit out of him while he helplessly defended himself. I will tell you what, I dare you to hit me like that. I am 100% against hitting a women, BUT Amber.......I will beat the piss out of you. If I ever see you I am going to run directly at you tackle you and hurt you. As I do it I will be yelling "THIS IS FOR GARY, THIS IS FOR GARY". You think you can just get away with verbally and physically abusing someone. I am glad you are in and out of rehab. I hope you put so many drugs in your body that you just completely shut down. I hope at some point you put the needle in your arm for the last time. I hope you stop breathing my air very soon you pile of shit. Glad I got that out.
2) Kim Kardashian- Yes, I know you are pretty.....that being said you are a whore. I hate the way you talk, I hate your mom, I hate that little girls around the world look up to a lady who is famous for having sex with Ray-J on tape. Because of it you get to reap the benefits, you get free cloths, shoes, hair, make up from all the best designers. You make it hard for parents to show their children what real life is because your GD TV show is on E ever GD minute of the day. I want to start a petiton for the people of the world to boycott anything Kardashian(except Bruce). I can't wait for the day the I wake up and the top story on the news is that Bruce Jenner killed Kris, Scott killed Courtney, Khloe can stay because she is actually normal and I like Lamar........but nothing will make me happier than the day top stories on Yahoo News says "Kim Kardashian is dead, Humphries in custody". I am counting down the days. Make my dreams come true. Make this happen.
1) The Real Housewives of ANY city- I don't know any of your names except NeNe and that dude who wears high heels Dwight. My wife watches you religiously and I hope nothing but the worst for every single person on that show, the people involved with the show, writers, producers....WHATEVER. I want there to a Real Housewives reunion where all of you are in one grand ballroom at one time. Then like a bad horror movie I hope everyone starts gettting gutted. I know it is terrible, the way I am speaking is horrible, but I have never wanted anything so bad in my life. You all are an annoyance to the USA because people actually waste their own presious time to tune into the 1 hour screaming match weekly. Take your glamerous life that you actually hate and do everyone a favor......PASS AWAY ASAP.
I know this blog today is harsh, it was meant to be that way. Look at the five people I listed and try to tell me I am wrong for wishing they were covered in dirt. I apologize if I offended some of you, but this blog isn't going to be puppy dogs and Ice Cream all the time.
PS- I would like all of these peoples money though.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
Monday, July 16, 2012
Questions I ask myself daily.
I have some time on my hands at work, and I always seem to think of some bizzare shit. I mean, some people think I am a little off as it is, some people think I am just funny, my wife seems to think I am an idiot, my best friend Jay Lorino torments me daily with comments that I do not believe are printable......whatever I may be I do tend to entertain myself. Here is a list of questions I have thought about over the past few weeks. Ask yourself if you have ever thought about the same thing.
1) What does Zac Efron smells like?
2) Why does the sun lighten your hair but darken your skin?
3) Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
4) How tired are fish?
5) How would you kill the Kardashian family?
6) If you were Matthew Mcconauhey would you ever wear a shirt?
7) Why do most people laugh at me, but my wife looks at me and shakes her head?
8) How far could you run if the person running behind you was going to kill you once you stopped?
9) How much could you eat for 1 million dollars?
10) How do braces know which direction to take your teeth?
11) How skinny would you be if food had the opposite affect on you and made you skinny?
12) If there is a God why doesn't he just make everyone perfect? Why would he give any guy a small pee pee?
13) Why do girls always use the "I was so drunk and I don't remember" excuse when I cheated on my boyfriend? And if you don't remember than why do you have uncontrollable anxiety? And if your dude finds out why would they ever take you back?
14) Do guys take pictures of themselves in the car also?
15) Does anyone ever really feel like they love themselves? If so how long do you think about it or does it just go away one second later?
I know, I know some are weird, some are just plain dumb, but I think about this stuff. I will answer a few before I sign off.
1) He smells like Dolche and Gabanna cologne, expensive shampoo and doves. I am also fairly sure he doesn't sweat and if he does it just makes him more beautiful.
5) I would hire Bruce Jenner, he hates them all as it is.
6) Not a chance in hell. He doesn't even need to purchase a cheese grater.
8) 3-4 blocks. That's all I got then I would just turn around and say "Kill me".
9) Challenge me.
12) Because the world is based on averages....which is DUMB.
14) I have done it, but I promise to never do it again. I swear to God!
Enjoy your Mondays and stay amazing.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
1) What does Zac Efron smells like?
2) Why does the sun lighten your hair but darken your skin?
3) Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
4) How tired are fish?
5) How would you kill the Kardashian family?
6) If you were Matthew Mcconauhey would you ever wear a shirt?
7) Why do most people laugh at me, but my wife looks at me and shakes her head?
8) How far could you run if the person running behind you was going to kill you once you stopped?
9) How much could you eat for 1 million dollars?
10) How do braces know which direction to take your teeth?
11) How skinny would you be if food had the opposite affect on you and made you skinny?
12) If there is a God why doesn't he just make everyone perfect? Why would he give any guy a small pee pee?
13) Why do girls always use the "I was so drunk and I don't remember" excuse when I cheated on my boyfriend? And if you don't remember than why do you have uncontrollable anxiety? And if your dude finds out why would they ever take you back?
14) Do guys take pictures of themselves in the car also?
15) Does anyone ever really feel like they love themselves? If so how long do you think about it or does it just go away one second later?
I know, I know some are weird, some are just plain dumb, but I think about this stuff. I will answer a few before I sign off.
1) He smells like Dolche and Gabanna cologne, expensive shampoo and doves. I am also fairly sure he doesn't sweat and if he does it just makes him more beautiful.
5) I would hire Bruce Jenner, he hates them all as it is.
6) Not a chance in hell. He doesn't even need to purchase a cheese grater.
8) 3-4 blocks. That's all I got then I would just turn around and say "Kill me".
9) Challenge me.
12) Because the world is based on averages....which is DUMB.
14) I have done it, but I promise to never do it again. I swear to God!
Enjoy your Mondays and stay amazing.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Cubicle Life
I love when people try to act like they dont work in a cubicle, like there is something wrong with it. Some of us just weren't born for the bigtime corner office, and most of us don't care. We have somehow become happy with our shitty job and shitty insurance and shitty everything else. There is no doubt the working world is exactly like Groundhog day, the only thing that is different with me is sometimes when I stop for my morning fountain soda from McDs I get a egg Mcmuffin and sometimes I don't. Otherwise I wake up at 7:20am, get in the shower, put on cloths, stop for a soda and go to work. Around 11am I go to Speedway on 9th and Lincoln get 44 more ounces of fun and come back to my cube. I call myself the "Operations Manager" but in all actuality I am a glorified dispatcher and brokering agent. I feel that calling myself the Operations Manager I will make myself sound better to the people I speak with. The honest truth is you just make yourself look like a dick once they realize that you aren't important. If you are in customer service just own it, don't make up some bullshit name that makes you sound more important. We all know you make 32K per year and I promise I will not judge you. We should all just be happy to be employed at this point. The job market blows, the economy sucks and I still blame everything I can on George W. Bush, he seems to be the perfect scapegoat. You know what F Obama too. I haven't seen shit "CHANGE". Enough about that.......if you are 32 like me and still work in a cubicle it isn't going to change. OWN it, love it, provide for you and your family and call it a day. Don't try to be something you are not. The world needs people like us, not everyone can push a Benz, not everyone can have a 3,000 sq. ft house. My wife and I both work full time jobs and we have a modest 3 bedroom house in Greendale that we are very proud of. The yard is currently brown as hell and one cigarette ash away from going up in smoke, but I wouldn't trade it. It feels like home and we aren't trying to front. So many people want to live a life that isn't real. Guess what dumb asses, it isn't going to happen. Milwaukee County is not The Real Housewives of Orange County. Go to your cubicle, enjoy your life and stop telling people "you are just getting experience to move up into the mangement position". You aren't doing shit without a Masters, a PHD blah blah blah. I got a bachelors degree in communications, I mine as well gotten a bachelors in becoming Magic Mike. I would make a lot more money. I mine as well given 25K in education fees to the homeless guy under the bridge. OWN your life. This blog is for the strong cubicle worker, the one who says "I work in a 7x7 and I don't give a shit".
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
Monday, July 9, 2012
Boys 1-10
1. Anytime your wife/girlfriend says "you can have a boys night if you want" we are going to accept and we are going to attempt to drink the most we have ever drank.
2. 80% of dudes gamble or have gambled on sports. If your bank account looks low ask your dude if he is gambling. When he says "NO" he means "Yes".
3. 30 year old dudes who wear Abercrombie or Hollister probably date girls who are still in high school and they love telling their friends how awesome it is.
4. A dude never actually wants to leave the bar. So when a girls asks "are you ready" or "should we leave" just know that he doesn't want to, but will so it doesn't start a fight.
5. Dudes who wear cutoffs anywhere besides the gym or to play basketball just want to show of their tattoos and be told "those are some rad tats". Unless you are Nate Showers, he has rocked cutoffs way before tattoos. He just does.
6. If a guy actually waits 2-3 days to text you after he met you he doesn't like you. If it is the 3rd day just know that he has been texting other girls and you are the back up plan. If he really liked you there would be no reason not to at least say "hello" the next day. Not interested, try again.
7. If you are a guy who "loves" to cuddle you were not loved enough a kid growing up. Cuddling for a guy is not comfortable. It is hot, sticky and the girls hair is itchy and in your mouth. My wife won't get mad at me for saying this because we argue about it 4-5 times per week. It doesn't mean I don't love her, it simply means I want to be comfortable. That's all. If your dude gets pissed about cuddeling it isn;t just him. It is 98% of dudes.
8. If a dude loves to talk about how big his penis is it is actually small. Simple.
9. Dudes don't want to go out for romantic dinners unless it is an anniversary or a birthday. We would like to go to BW3s all the time. SO when you ask your dude if he wants to get super dressed up and go out somewhere nice we say YES, but we mean NO. Unless we have a gift certificate that someone gave us as a gift.
10. No dude is honest when your girl asks "how does this look on me"? Of course we are going to say "it looks great, you have never looked better". But if you are questioning it, believe me, the guy is questioning it too.
We could go on and on with these lists, but this is just a quick 10.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
PS- cutoffs can also be worn by dudes who are actually fans of Nascar.
2. 80% of dudes gamble or have gambled on sports. If your bank account looks low ask your dude if he is gambling. When he says "NO" he means "Yes".
3. 30 year old dudes who wear Abercrombie or Hollister probably date girls who are still in high school and they love telling their friends how awesome it is.
4. A dude never actually wants to leave the bar. So when a girls asks "are you ready" or "should we leave" just know that he doesn't want to, but will so it doesn't start a fight.
5. Dudes who wear cutoffs anywhere besides the gym or to play basketball just want to show of their tattoos and be told "those are some rad tats". Unless you are Nate Showers, he has rocked cutoffs way before tattoos. He just does.
6. If a guy actually waits 2-3 days to text you after he met you he doesn't like you. If it is the 3rd day just know that he has been texting other girls and you are the back up plan. If he really liked you there would be no reason not to at least say "hello" the next day. Not interested, try again.
7. If you are a guy who "loves" to cuddle you were not loved enough a kid growing up. Cuddling for a guy is not comfortable. It is hot, sticky and the girls hair is itchy and in your mouth. My wife won't get mad at me for saying this because we argue about it 4-5 times per week. It doesn't mean I don't love her, it simply means I want to be comfortable. That's all. If your dude gets pissed about cuddeling it isn;t just him. It is 98% of dudes.
8. If a dude loves to talk about how big his penis is it is actually small. Simple.
9. Dudes don't want to go out for romantic dinners unless it is an anniversary or a birthday. We would like to go to BW3s all the time. SO when you ask your dude if he wants to get super dressed up and go out somewhere nice we say YES, but we mean NO. Unless we have a gift certificate that someone gave us as a gift.
10. No dude is honest when your girl asks "how does this look on me"? Of course we are going to say "it looks great, you have never looked better". But if you are questioning it, believe me, the guy is questioning it too.
We could go on and on with these lists, but this is just a quick 10.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
PS- cutoffs can also be worn by dudes who are actually fans of Nascar.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Girls 1-10
Here is my take on girls/women.
1. When in a group they are always talking about another group or girl who "isn't as hot as us".
2. They are always talking about someone in "their" group behind their back.
Example "what the hell is (insert name here) wearing, she looks fat". Just so you know all the girls reading this have been talked about by multiple friends.
3. They are always more hungry than they lead on. They were secretly wishing that the salad they ordered at dinner was a double burger with cheese, mayo and a bucket of fries.
4. They can't stand the girl in their group who gets hammered everytime they go out, but inside they actually want to be her.
5. Your one friend who wears the super slutty "go out" outfit is actually less slutty than everyone who is judging her. The person you least expect to be a whore is always the whore.
6. The line "wtf is she wearing" actually means I tried that on today at Macys and it didn't fit.
7. When you are on a date and the girl says "I have to go to the bathroom" it actually means the date is lame and they are quickly going to text their friends to see what is going on tonight. This is followed by her coming back to the table and faking an illness because she got the text back that said "hell yeah girly, we are going to Rogues tonight and we are going to get all dressed up and get on some hot dudes".
8. When a girl talks about how great their relationship is and how in love they are, it is all bullshit and these are the girls who are constantly fighting with their dude. Normal relationships have fights and it isn't always a cinderella story. Stop trying to front.
9. If you have one picture on Facebook doing the "duck face" that you took yourslef you are extremely lonely.
10. The girl who constantly changes plans and ditches you is the girl who everyone always wants to hang with and you will soon find out that girl is a cutter and a mental case.
Just some observations I have made throughout the years, I dare you to tell me I am wrong on any of these. DOUBLE F"N DARE.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
1. When in a group they are always talking about another group or girl who "isn't as hot as us".
2. They are always talking about someone in "their" group behind their back.
Example "what the hell is (insert name here) wearing, she looks fat". Just so you know all the girls reading this have been talked about by multiple friends.
3. They are always more hungry than they lead on. They were secretly wishing that the salad they ordered at dinner was a double burger with cheese, mayo and a bucket of fries.
4. They can't stand the girl in their group who gets hammered everytime they go out, but inside they actually want to be her.
5. Your one friend who wears the super slutty "go out" outfit is actually less slutty than everyone who is judging her. The person you least expect to be a whore is always the whore.
6. The line "wtf is she wearing" actually means I tried that on today at Macys and it didn't fit.
7. When you are on a date and the girl says "I have to go to the bathroom" it actually means the date is lame and they are quickly going to text their friends to see what is going on tonight. This is followed by her coming back to the table and faking an illness because she got the text back that said "hell yeah girly, we are going to Rogues tonight and we are going to get all dressed up and get on some hot dudes".
8. When a girl talks about how great their relationship is and how in love they are, it is all bullshit and these are the girls who are constantly fighting with their dude. Normal relationships have fights and it isn't always a cinderella story. Stop trying to front.
9. If you have one picture on Facebook doing the "duck face" that you took yourslef you are extremely lonely.
10. The girl who constantly changes plans and ditches you is the girl who everyone always wants to hang with and you will soon find out that girl is a cutter and a mental case.
Just some observations I have made throughout the years, I dare you to tell me I am wrong on any of these. DOUBLE F"N DARE.
Hugs and Handpounds,
Czar
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