Honest Job Interview...

Everyone has a different feeling when dealing with face to face job interviews.  Some it doesn't bother at all, while most of us get an extreme case of butterflies and the shits.  You feel prepared, you look good, and as soon as you get called into that office it is like a switch and everything changes.  Your hands become cold, your tongue gets in the way of everything you are trying to say and 30 minutes later when you walk out of that office you feel like a turd.  You get into your car, call some one, they ask "Soooooooo how did it go"?  Your reply no matter how bad it went is "I think it went pretty good".  Lies, all f'n lies.  I don't care how bad ass you think you are it has happened to all of us. 

This blog isn't entirely about that though, it is about the job interview process, however I have a twist.  We are so use to going to interviews and saying exactly what the possible employer wants to hear.  It is all bullshit, none of what we say we actually mean, some of the words we use we don't even know the actual meaning of.  It is basically a kiss ass contest to get a job.

I am going to change it up, I am going to interview myself and tell you exactly how I WANT to respond to every question I am asked.

Here we go............

Question 1

Good morning Justin how are you?

Answer:

"Well actually I am hoping to get this interview over as soon as possible because my boss at my current job thinks I am just going to lunch.  So the quicker we can get this moving the better."

Question 2

What exactly do you do at your current job?

Answer

"I usually get there about 10 minutes late everyday, but when I finally get to my cubicle, I turn my computer on, log on to Facebook to see the status updates I missed from the time I went to bed until the time I got to work.  Then I set my fantasy basketball lineup, read Barstool Sports Blog, go to the bathroom, talk to some people in the office, go back to my desk and think about doing some work.  I usually text a few friends and try to make plans for the weekend.  Then I look at my work emails, then I email my wife to see how her day is going.  By around 11am I usually do something work related, but that lasts about 2 minutes before I get completely off task and get a notification on Facebook that someone "liked" my status.  Then I go to get lunch for 90 minutes, come back look at more websites, email, text and drink tons of soda.  Before I know it, it is 5pm and the day is over.  I do that 5 days per week".


Question 3

Why do you think you are the person for the job?

Answer

"I probably am not the right choice, I am a slacker, but if you give me the job I will try and cut down my internet usage and stay on task.  I want to work for your company, but only because the salary is higher and I am sick of my current job.  I will probably stay here for about 15 months and then begin my job search again.  There is no job that can really keep my attention, I wanted to either be a rapper or an athlete, but that didn't work out so now I have to do all this bullshit that I actually hate."


Question 4

Would you consider yourself a team player in the work atmosphere?

Answer

"Not really, I do like company happy hours though, especially when the company is paying.  I am more of a guy who does shit for myself, everytime I try to become a team player people tend to tell me I bring nothing to the table.  Pisses me off and then I usually talk shit to them, then there is tons of office tension that I am usually the center of."


Question 5

What do you think you will bring to the company?

Answer

"Remember what I said when you asked me question 2?  Probably about that same thing."


Question 6

Do you have any questions about the company Justin?

Answer

" Just a few actually

1) How much vacation do we get?
2) How many personal days do we get?
3) How many sick days do we get?"

The funny thing is this is what most of us should actually say at job interviews, unless you are actually a really good employee.  Think about all the lies you tell during the interview process......COUNTLESS. You use words like "productive" and "efficient" and it is all BS.  Good thing I don't actually fall into this category, I get to work and I do work all damn day.

Everyone have a blessed day.

Hugs and Handpounds,

Czar